26 REDS & A BOTTLE OF WINE

Okay, so Warren Buffet gives 37 Billion dollars to charity, well, one charity. It's kind of hard for me to say anything bad about that. I mean the man just gave away more money than all of my blood relatives have earned combined since the creation of currency.

Let me say that another way. Warren Buffet just GAVE AWAY enough money to give every man, woman and child on Earth 6 bucks American! And still have a billion dollars left around. You know, in case...

Hard to hate on him. I give change to the homeless sometimes. A couple of weeks ago I gave the guy who holds the door open for you at McDonalds (like that's a real job... hey, buddy, I can get the door!) a four piece McNuggets. Here's how that went...


Guy Who Holds Open the Door at McDonald's (Like That's a Real Job!!): Any change.
Me: No... You want a four piece McNuggets?
Guy Who Holds Open the Door at McDonald's (Like That's a Real Job!!): That'll work!

I shit you not... That was the REAL exchange. Of course I didn't call a press conference or anything... I guess some people are just more starved for attention than others.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that he still has 10 Billion dollars left. It's like a really bad remake of Bruster's Millions. I guess Bill Gates is the fat guy!

You know what the problem with being Bill Gates is? No one is impressed by your charity. If Bill Gates walked up to me on the street and said: "You look like a nice young man. Here's a million dollars." I'd be like: "That's it? You cheap fuck!" I bet Bill Gates gives out million dollar checks all the time. I bet he has a bag full of million dollar cashier checks. Of course he doesn't carry them, he has a guy. But when he gives some poor family a million dollars no one cares. Still, it's a fucking million dollars!!!

It's like when Oprah gave everyone in her audience a new car. Can you imagine being at the next taping and you get some scented candles and a gift certificate to Cinnabon? I would shove those candles down her fat next.

God - this post ends on such a downer... Read more!

It's Bloomsday. What are you going to do about it. Instead of just getting drunk again why don't you try reading a little Ulysses and stop being such a fucking Philistine!

[ed note: This was saved, by accident, to drafts and not posted until I discovered the error today. Bloomsday is, of course, the 16th] Read more!

So by now reports are everywhere about the misuse of FEMA's debit cards issued to Katrina victims. Not that it's anything new. Before the Ninth Ward was dry it's impoverished citizens were toting new Fendi handbags and wanking it to newly purchased "erotica".

Personally, and this is going to sound cruel and classist, I'm not surprised. The Ninth Ward is a piece of shit, for a long time the murder capital of the country. If I was a resident I would have long ago figured out a way to get the fuck out of there. It doesn't surprise me that it's longtime residence aren't exactly long term thinkers. "I'm homeless, jobless and have no clean clothes. Let's go to a strip club!!" This is not the thought process of a self-motivated man. This is the thought process of someone who is perfectly happy living in a shithole.

Yet I digress, the inability of the poor to stop being so fucking poor is not the point of this post. The point of this post is this.

A Katrina victim (you know what? I'm stripping this meathead of the word 'victim')... A Katrina meathead bought a $200 dollar bottle of Dom Perignon at a Hooters in San Antonio, Texas. We all know how well a fine glass of bubbly goes with all you can eat wings, and all served to you by a college dropout whose short shorts are so tight you can see her VD.

Naturally FEMA's pissed and they totally have the right to be. Can you image when FEMA got that statement. They were all like: "Do-da-do-da-do, just opening my mail here... to resident.... to resident.... coupon book... ahhh, my Katrina bank statement.... WHAT THE FUCK?!? You have got to be fucking shitting me! Are you serious!!! Hooters serve Dom Perignon?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Read more!

This has nothing to do with anything but it's been a constant fear of mine that I'm going to get locked out of my apartment naked.

This isn't a reasonable fear but a fear none the less. Finally someone has expressed this fear in videogame form! Read more!

For those of you who don't know Skittlepuppy is one of my "special" friends. Special meaning she wears a helmet to work, rides the short bus and I pin her mittens to skirt year round.

That's why we started a new blog together.

Soooo Drunk Last Night

I think you can relate. Read more!

So I mentioned Barcelona at the end of that last World Cup post. I felt the track deserved it's own post. Barcelona was a really fun band, totally worth checking out. It one point I had tons of their stuff... Then came the great CD massacre of 2003. I don't want to talk about it.

Anyway. Here are a couple gems...

Barcelona - Kasey Keller

Barcelona - (I've Got a Crush on) My Mom's New Boyfriend

My favorite line? "He says that I'm too young/ I say she's too old for him/ This is not The Graduate!/ He says that I'm too young/ I wish he'd open up his eyes/ Cause she'll be 57 when he turns 35." Read more!

In this case Mudville is the USA and Kasey is Keller.

I knew the Czechs were going to beat us but I wasn't prepared for a spanking. Someone should have warned me, I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Poor Kasey Keller didn't have a single place to go. It's hard to stop a 50 mile an hour watermelon when all your teammates are basically those players on one of those vibrating football games.

Seriously, put life size foosball players and maybe the Czechs get two goals.

Anyway. After Italy it's all over but the crying. And the wierdest part is that there were crazy American fans there. Some fat dude painted red, white and blue. Somehow when it's an American it's not an idiot soccer fan watching grown men play a game of keep-away but a not so subtle reminder of our military imperialism. When Kenya does it it's cute. When we do it we're being dicks.

See, here we have a group of friends from South Korea supporting their home team. They're creating memories and friendships that will last a lifetime.









These fat imperialist mother fuckers just finished nuking and paving some third world country their families back home have never even heard of. Why must we remind the world we suck. Can't someone else suck for a while? What about Portugal?


Anyway, Barcelona is one of my favorite bands because they are computer nerds and they love Kasey Keller. Even wrote a song about it, like ta hear it here it go Read more!

So... here's the deal. I've been avoiding this for a long time now because it hurts, and I hate to hurt but the truth will make me a beautiful butterfly.

Gawker is OVER.

God it's such bullshit. It's been months and months since Gawker had anything interesting to say or any way to say it.

Take Gawker's shining moment for example. Last year (or maybe the year before, I forget) some fresh out of college media buyer got drunk at Fox's upfront party at The Park and shit her pants. Okay, let me start over and give only the important info: Some girl shit her pants at a party and her name was all over Gawker. For a good week it was the greatest thing that had ever happened to the free world. People were losing their jobs, people were sending in college photos and testimonials. It was great. It was all anyone could talk about.

Now Gawker is like the guy who watches Desperate Housewives and then makes fun of it but everyone knows he secretly loves it because the detailing is too on the nose. It's like: "how would he know that unless he's been watching week after week?" That guy. That guy is the worst kind of loser. Worse than the guy who ran the high school AV Club. Worse than the guy who played chess in study hall. It's fake cool. It’s the opposite of cool. It's cold. It's Gawker.

I used to read Gawker all day. Ever hour would bring the joy of refreshing my Gawker page. Then, at some point, it stopped being fun and started being like being at the uncool party during graduation weekend. Not the uncool party who knew they were uncool so they were like "fuck it! There are no hot girls here and no cool people are coming so let's watch Star Trek Voyager and eat cheese-its until we get sick", no. It's the uncool party where everyone bad mouths the cool kids; saying she's a slut and he's gay, yet secretly hoping they both show up (but they won't) In short; Gawker has turned that most vile of New York emotions: Bitter.

Bitter? Yes, Bitter is the end of the New York road. Everything else flies here: envy, hate, greed, but bitterness? Bitterness means it's time to pack up and head about 60 miles north, buy a farmhouse and grow tomatoes.

I don't know when it happened. Like the glaziers it was too slow to notice. Yet I can't help but feel like it was sometime during Gawker's extended anti-Radar Magazine phase. No one noticed Radar magazine. I've never seen one, except on Gawker. Yet Gawker spent hundreds of posts on ever coming and going at Radar. If Radar took a shit, Gawker was there to bitch about it.

Maybe that was the beginning of the end, maybe not. Regardless, I haven't read Gawker with any seriousness in months. I treat it now the way I treat Fox News or a retarded cousin; with a pat on the head and a smile. Read more!

So after much consideration, and careful thinking and a half bottle of peppermint schnapps I've decided to completely ignore 6/6/06.

I have to admit that I wrote a couple for pretty funny posts last night and even spent a good amount of time searching the internet for hilarious Satan related pics.

Yet, in the end I simply decided that having something funny or clever to say about the date 6/6/06 was gay and for internet nerds and I am many things but I am not an internet nerd. Read more!

No, seriously, it's contagious. Seriously, stay as far from me as possible. This is life threatening! Thousands may die!!!

I've been so busy/drunk/tired/bored lately that I totally forgot to tell you how excited I am that the fucking French fucking Open is finally here.

It's not that I'm a huge tennis fan, infact, I'm not, but in recent years I've used majors tennis season to distract me from the giant ball of boring that is baseball season. Not only that, but I know that the coming of the French Open means football is just around the corner. Wimbledon is just next month. Then footbal camp opens. Then the US Open. Then fucking football.

This year the French Open has been extra fun cause the snot nosed Americans have gotten their asses handed to them. Read more!

As you may well know I am now the proud publisher and Editor is Chief of a magazine called SnotRag. It’s true that we’re having just a little trouble completing our funding… and we are having what some might call a staffing problem… yet still… onward and upward!

Anyway, my new job as the chief hirer/firer has forced me to spend a lot of time thinking about the kind of employees one should hire. How do you assemble a top-notch staff that will ensure success? I’m sure I haven’t the faintest.

Here are a few people every company should be scrambling to hire.

1. Mind-blowing single-mindedness (Brent Maynard) – I’m not sure what job I can give Brent but his relentless single mindedness, even in the face of unbelievable apathy is inspiring. You see, Mr. Maynard is obsessed with the metric system and determined to see America switch from the standard system. So dedicated was Brent that during last years Metric Week (a week celebrated only by high school science teachers) Brent set up a protest outside Norwich, Conn. City Hall in an attempt to collect signatures on a petition to get the US Postal Service to weight mail in metric. Mr. Maynard collected six signatures. A display of public apathy that has only strengthened Brent’s resolve. Every company needs someone so mind-blowingly out of touch with day-to-day functionality. Someone has to be the floor fire-leader. Someone has to make sure the elevators get inspected twice a year and make sure we’re using energy saving light bulbs in the john. If not Brent Maynard than who?

2. Taking one for the team (Evangelina Carrozo) – When Greenpeace wanted to protest the construction of a paper mill in Uruguay they knew they would have to call out the big guns. After all, it’s easy to get people riled up about baby whale nuking global warmers, but something as nebulous as a pulp mill complicates the situation. After all, I still can’t tell you if Greenpeace is for or against the mill. What I do know is that Evangelina Carrozo took one for the team. She went to Vienna, stripped down to her thong and thigh highs and carried around a protest sign that NO ONE in the room bothered to look at, I mean, really, would you? She’ll be prefect for that Ben Affleck interview that he insists take place in a hot tub. Or that exclusive with Karl Rove that he demands take place in the Champagne Room at Scores.

3. Creative problem solving (Ana Luisa Hidalgo and Alex Hernandez) - What with blogs and the internet and whatnot it’s getting harder and harder for us, the little guys of the magazine trade. So when SnotRag’s circulation drops and we face budget cutbacks and a round of lay offs we’ll be glad we hired these two. These genius are real ‘think outside the box’ people. Faced with their own budget problems and a new baby they were able to turn a negative into a major positive. How? By getting creative: They sold their four-month-old baby over the internet. They used technology to turn a time-consuming money pit into a cash cow. Sure, they got caught and will do major jail time in Mexico, but if they survive prison they have jobs waiting for them north of the border.

4. Office humor (Tatyana Simanava) – Everyone loves to laugh, sometime with people, but in the work environment it’s more often AT people. After all, the hilarious folly of others is often the ‘holier than thou’ moral boost a crushed and humiliated employee needs. A person whose hilarious stupidity will unite the employee together in a chant of ‘did you see what that idiot did today?’ Meet our idiot, Tatyana. Not only is she some serious eye candy for the boys (and something to live up to for the girls) but Tatyana is really stupid. How stupid? Well let’s just say she recently fell out of a moving bus after confusing the exit with the bathroom. She’ll provide hours and hours of office bonding.

5. Creative accounting (John Frederiksen) - John Frederiksen was once the richest Norwegian. Now he’s the richest Cyprusian. Did I just blow your mind? Good. Well it’s all just a plan to avoid paying massive taxes to his native country. We’ll need this type of fly by night thinking when the IRS comes-a-callin’.

6. The ‘crazy factor’ (Dou Wei) – The magazine business is cutthroat, with rival mags saying and doing anything to woo hot young talent from a competitor. It’s a problem our hot young staff will face and damage control in the face of untrue accusation may be a full time job. Meet out PR spinster, Dou Wei. Sure, Dou is already a rock legend in China where he is a founding member of Black Panther, China’s only pro-black nationalism rock band, but I think given his current legal trouble and China’s Draconian legal system Dou might be looking for new digs and a new jig. Recently Dou, unhappy with recent media coverage of his kinfolk, walked into the offices of the Beijing News. There he poured water on the editors (not the band, the real editors) and demolished several computers and a TV set. Then he went outside and set a parked car on fire. That’s pretty awesome. Imagine Dou Wei set loose at Conde Nast headquarters, or better yet: Vice Magazine.

7. Good scheduling (name redacted) - I would like to hire an unnamed Swedish tour guide for his brilliant and cold-hearted schedule keeping abilities. He was taking a bus of old people from wherever “Southern Skane” is back to Stockholm. At some point in Germany some old lady died, but instead of stopping for a medical opinion on the woman’s deadness he opted to keep the bus’ tight schedule and power on. Fucking brilliant. We need someone not afraid to face the hard choices, or completely break the laws of both man and God to keep SnotRag on schedule. Some might say “I need the day off, I’m giving birth”, he would say “Give birth on your lunch break! You got a Neil Patrick Harris interview to copy edit!!” Read more!