26 REDS & A BOTTLE OF WINE

Many a 26 Reds reader have asked of me, either by e-mail or at one of my many NA meetings what I've done during my long summer vacation. Well it wouldn't be a summer vacation without a fair share of drunken mornings, crying jags and self inflected wounds to the abdomen so let's just take all that as given and move on:

I BEAT A CARNIE IN POOL. Like most people I have a rather grim image of carnival folk embedded deep in my mind. The image of foul smelling degenerates with no teeth and skin like a leather handbag, swindling young mothers and bikers out of fist fulls of Canadian quarters and cocaine soaked in anti-freeze. I learned over vaca that this is not an accurate depiction. Many carnies have teeth. as many as a bakers dozen. See, you learn every day. The best thing about beating a carnie in pool in a biker bar in Croton on Hudson is that he never saw it coming. The look on his face was a combination of surprise and the look you make when you mean to fart but sort of shit yourself. Priceless.

I WAS ALONE IN THE EUROPEAN PAINTING WING OF THE MET FOR AN HOUR. For legal reasons I don't want to go into why I was alone in the Met's European wing. I'd rather just make a European joke, as in "U'r a peein' paintings? You should have that checked out!"

I ATE CHICKEN FALAFEL EVERYDAY FOR A WEEK. I'm never eating falafel again.

I DEBATED POLITICS WITH A STRIPPER. New York City is a wonderful place. Where else can you get into a fight over the Bush Administration at 2 in the morning with a stripper? In most cities you can't do that after 1.

I BOUGHT A GRAPEFRUIT KNIFE. Now I have to start eating grapefruit.

I WENT TO DELAWARE. I don't have anything else to say about this.

I HAD "UR A FAGGOT" TEXT MESSAGED TO ME EVERYDAY FOR A WEEK. It's hard to take someone seriously when this is their idea of a threat. Make no mistake. This wasn't some playful jabbing. This guy hates me and this was the best he could come up with. Of this RAP said: "I think that the funniest thing I've ever seen written down." I'd agree.

As you can see it's been a busy few weeks. Lots of fun, lots of tylenol PM, lots of broken promises. Yay!!