26 REDS & A BOTTLE OF WINE

I'm constantly amazed at the number of people I know who have never been in a fight. I think it's only eclipsed by the number of people I know who hate their jobs. I never understood this hating your job thing. Of course your job sucks. It's work. I think these two demographics are related. After all, when was the last time some bruised knuckled badass bitched about his office manager?

It's all part of the pussification of the American male. Nowadays you can either be a NPR listening pencil-necked pussy, wearing your tortoise shelled glasses and going to coffeehouses and listening to Television live albums or you're some "with us or against us" Bush supporter. Watching Fox news and not having a clue. There's no middle ground anymore. They’re pussies on both sides.

I think most of our major pussification problems could be solved with one simple mantra: What Would Johnny Paycheck Do? If we just considered what the good Mr. Paycheck would say and do we can guide ourselves through the prickly pansy patch we call America. LEARN MORE AFTER THE
JUMP!

WWJPD at work?

Nowadays people are fond of saying things like: "I like my boss" and "My boss is awesome." The fact is that your boss is a worthless prick. Bosses themselves get this confused, they see themselves as 'approachable', or 'down to earth' when what they really mean is 'condescending' and 'incompetent'.

It's important to let your boss know just how useless you think he is. That his mere presents on the work site is a hindrance to you getting shit done. A Johnny approved method for getting your point across is the catch phrase. It lets the boss know where you stand without appearing overly hostel or intimidating. With repeat use it has a Pavlovian aspect, which can be very useful. Allow me to use one from my own work history:


My boss comes over to me while I'm doing something infinitely more important than talking to him.

Boss: You know we got that thing to take care of at 3 in the blah blah blah...
Me: (after staring blankly at my boss for a few seconds.) Why don't you go back to pushing paper?

He smiles and walks off. The next day he interrupts an important phone call about farts.

Boss: You're on top of this thing, right, cause blah blah blah...
Me: (after staring blankly at my boss for a few seconds.) Don't you have any paper to push around?

He smiles and walks off.

See, eventually I don't even have to say anything. He sees the dumb-dumb face and gets the point. Of course there are always more aggressive bosses who don't look kindly on this sort of thing. Getting fired is always an option. So Johnny offers us some good methods to help avoid getting canned.

First, let your boss know that you have access to a high-powered, semi-automatic weapon and a good amount of gasoline and your not afraid to use both. The problem with most people today is that they aren't men of action. When I hear about some guy showing back up at the office and gunning down three or four co-workers I always think the same thing: "there's a guy who can really get things done!" You want you boss to have the same feeling about you. You’re volatile, heavily armed and have little to lose. Try coming to work with a black eye. When someone asks you what happens just stare off into space and say, "Some mother fucker didn't listen". It makes you look like a man of action and those are the only men you have to look out for. No on fires a man of action. No one has the balls.

But anyone who has ever had a job knows that your boss is only ever the start of your problems. Most of your co-workers are totally incompetent and have made their primary work function making your life difficult. The best way to deal with they nosey snobs and to remind them at every possible juncture that you don't work for them and that you think they're all assholes. Remember, these are not your friends. Check out this example:

You're busy reading 26 Reds, laughing up a storm. Over walks a co-worker.

Co-worker: did you finish that thing?
You: (look up at the co-worker then back down to 26 Reds) No... I'll get to it when I get to it.
Co-worker: We really need to get that out today cause blah blah blah...
You: (looking up and back down again) I don't work for you.

See how that works. Now naturally a good number of co-worker will go to your supervisor and if enough co-worker and bosses complain you'll find yourself getting a good talking to.

It's easy to panic when you get the talking to. The modern American worker isn't comfortable being disciplined. It seems too much like a precursor to being fired. But remember you are no longer a modern American worker. You're a Johnny Paycheck worker.

First things first. Remember, they're wrong and you're right. Also remember that this personal and that they can't deal with you cause you're 'too real'. If all that gets you nowhere remember the words of the good Johnny P: 'Take this job and shove it!'

Sure, all this advice will be you fired in 4 out of 5 jobs, but when you find that fifth job, brother, you are set!


WWJPD at home?

Telling you boss to go fuck himself is one thing, but telling a spouse to go fuck themselves requires a massive set of Johnny Paychecks. Ironically it’s often your significant other that needs to hear it the most.

Usually this comes in the form of complaining, typically about some way in which you disappoint her, and let’s face it, it’s usually her.

Here’s what Johnny would do when confronted by a nagging spouse: Simply look your loved one in the eyes and say, “If you say one more word to me I’m leaving.” Your spouses naturally response will be to say something stupid to you. This is a way of testing your resolve. Don’t tolerate it. Walk out of the room, get you wallet and your jacket and leave. Just before you close the door say: “I’m going out to a bar and I don’t know when I’ll be back.” Don’t be mad, don’t raise your voice. Be as calm cool and collected as you can, you got all the time in the world for hootin’ and hollerin’ on the way to the bar.

Get good and drunk and stubble home some time around daybreak. Your spouse will have been up all night waiting for you. Perfect. Say nothing; simply get into bed and go to sleep. After a few minutes you’ll hear: “Where did you go?” Say: “A bar.”

Now, no matter what the next thing out of your spouse’s mouth is say: “If you say one more word to me I’m leaving.” They might say something like: “Aren’t you going to work?” You say: “I’m drunk! I’m going to sleep. Good night!” End of discussion. Repeat this procedure the next ime your other steps out of line. You won’t have to repeat it very often.

Of course you can always divorce a spouse, you can’t divorce your kids. Those little fuckers will find you even across State lines. It’s time to show those brats the cold hard hand of Johnny P.

Kids today are fond of backtalk. Especially if they were raised anywhere near New York City with these fruity ass ineffective parents. You got to let your kids know two things. They live in your house and you’re bigger than they are.

First things first, your kids don’t have jobs. They never have, so it is virtually impossible for them to own anything. Remind them that nearly everything they think they own is merely on loan to them from you. If they question this proposition take something of their they like and give it to someone else. Or better yet, use it yourself. Remind them that they are basically unemployed freeloaders. If they complain tell them you’ll make them sleep in the shed.

Secondly, don’t be afraid to pop a kid in the mouth. Little smart-ass brat. It’s an important life lesson, the strong dominate the weak. It’s up to the weak to either grow to like it or stay in line.

I know what you’re thinking. This type of parenting borders on illegal and will leave children mentally scared for years. First, Texas borders on Mexico, but it ain’t Mexico. Second, so what? Name on person you know who hasn’t been scared of years. At least your kids will have a name and face for their torment. Years later you can even cop to it, saving them thousands on therapy.

WWJPD with friends?

Johnny Paycheck doesn’t have friend. He has people he drinks with, people he fights and people he fucks; sometimes they’re the same person. So forget the fruity bullshit idea about friends and sharing and hugging each other and shit. Go out, drink with somebody, start a fight with them and then go fuck them. That’s what Johnny would do.

Obliviously much of this would require a complete lifestyle change. Great, I’ve been meaning to tell you: You lifestyle is bullshit. When was the last time you fell in love? Johnny Paycheck falls in love every night. When was the last time you hated someone’s guts? Johnny is hating someone’s guts right now. When was the last time there was something worth you writing a song about? Johnny writes songs all the time, they may not be good, but they’re true.