26 REDS & A BOTTLE OF WINE

Behold the full majesty of all that is Lars Tetens.

Who is Lars Tetens? I think Lars’ web lackey says it best: “Lars Tetens is a man of so many talents he has been dubbed a modern day Leonardo Da Vinci by those who appreciate his works.” The key part of this is ‘by those who appreciate his works.’ Honest can sometimes be very subtle.

I think he’s being a bit modest, after all Da Vinci wasn’t making his own pizza spices at five: “From five years old, the crafts and hobbies Lars explored as a child have produced products in a wide range of categories that are at the top of their industries in quality and design.” That’s almost a sentence.

“With luxury goods and science and technology, he is known world wide not only for his sumptuous exotic chocolates and truffles and his beautiful clothing and accessory designs, but for bringing back the lost ancient cigar making techniques that date back thousands of years.” Yes, the lost ancient technique of rolling uneven sloppy cigars.

But Lars is more than a fat guy with poor quality control and a wierd sort of love for RIchard Nixon, he’s an artist. Just one look at his delicately handled watercolors and you see the artist’s true heart. It truly is rare to see such skill, craftsmanship and delicate understanding outside of a zoo or a mental institution. With his oil paints Lars has the sensitivity of a freshman art student in his first day of light & color theory. His paintings are worthy of of hanging in any fine collection. The 'It's a Wonderful Ass', right next to the 'Mona Lisa'.

“Lars Tetens line of couture clothing combines class, style and elegance with comfort and casualness.” Yes, for the man or woman confident enough to be seen in public in a burlap sack, yet lazy enough to wear pajamas everywhere they go. “Lars does most of the stitching himself; only relying on two apprentices with whom he's worked with for years. Lars never uses patterns and all cuts and designs are totally Lars's vision.” It’s quiet a vision. Like a prison camp movie, without the sense of style.

But perhaps Lars finest achievements have been in the lively arts. Lars sits at the helm of three bands, including The Lars Tetens Jazz Experience, a jazz ensemble where Lars plays all the instruments. Or course he does, he must, no one else could be trusted to play piano off beat and out of tune. In his hardcore band, 24A69, Lars brings the professionalism of Insane Clown Posse to the uncompromising talent of… well, Insane Clown Posse. The result is a sound that… well, it’s a sound. Look at this dwebe in his hat and his glasses, doesn't it jus tmake you want to puke?

I know what you are wondering: How does one man find the time to be so bad at so many things? It’s one of the mysteries of Lars Tetens, one of the many mysteries.