26 REDS & A BOTTLE OF WINE

Whenever friends of mine travel across this pointlessly vast nation they always come back to say something retarded like: “You’d REALLY like Columbus.”

Really? Me? What, are you taking stupid pills again?

The truth is I know I would hate living in any other major (or minor) city in the country. I know this without ever having to see any of them. How do I know this? Because I’m an American, and American’s don’t have to travel to places and see things to know that they suck.

This ties in quite well to a game I like to play when I meet someone who I think is dumber than me or who says something I find objectionable. It works really well if that person starts rambling on and on about their international travel (When I was in Brazil…). I create incredibly specific stereotypes for various nationalities. Stereotypes that are not only unverifiable but also totally pointless. Here are some examples:
AFTER THE JUMP!

Portuguese listen to their music VERY loudly. You can barely hear yourself think.
The Finnish swear like sailors.
The Taiwanese bitterly hate Yugoslavians.
Columbians run like retards.
Never leave your girlfriend alone with a Ugandan.
All French Canadians are nerds.

See, cause how would you know? Try to keep it so this stereotype can seem based on one single encounter that you never got over. One should be stunningly specific. “The Polish are terrible bartenders and when you’re not looking they make out with your girlfriend on the roof of a skating rink.”

Anyway, my new game is just as fun. It’s called “Jesse explains why he can’t live in any major or minor cities in the United States with stereotypes, innuendos and unverifiable hearsay. “ Look for the home game.

Boston: It gets so cold there that people are often found frozen to death in six foot high snow drifts.
Chicago: The man to woman ratio is 42 to 1 against the men!
Kansas City: The mayor is an Ex-Nazi.
Boulder: Highest chlamydia rate in the Western world.
Atlanta: The smelliest citizens in the country
Portland: No pizza places in the city limits

You get the idea. When someone says “Hey, I’m from Atlanta.” Just says, “Yeah, and you left, right?”