26 REDS & A BOTTLE OF WINE

No one has had an original idea in twenty years and even then it was the post it note. Before that I think it was the waffle iron. Other than that I think we’re tapped out in the idea department. For God’s sake people, even our wars are sequels. It’s no wonder the small brains in Hollywood, California can’t produce a single sentence on their own.

It’s a sea of sequels and remakes, most of which are for films that no one wanted to see in the first place (who greenlighted a Poseidon Adventure remake?) Meanwhile the greatest films in the American catalog go by unsequeled. It’s fucking bullshit and I’m calling it RIGHT NOW. After the jump I'll reveal my top ten films that never had sequels because there is no God.


(This list is in no order at all)


1) Goonies 2: Goonier
Goonies represented everything that was good about growing up in the eighties and with it’s wide appeal and open ended storyline it’s a wonder to me why it didn’t get a sequel but Look Who’s Talking gets two. After inexplicably turning up at home with a mountain of riches the goonies gang become local celebs and the kids at the arcade with an endless supply of quarters. This draws the attention of a generic bad guy (played by Gary Busey). Chunk is kidnapped and the gang have to muster every last bit of gooniedom to rescue him.
TAGLINE: Now with twice as much goon.

2) The Shining: Shinier
It’s twenty years later and there is another winter caretaker at the old Overlook hotel (played by Gary Busey) with his wife and young son and daughter. A special and gifted daughter, one with an imaginary friend (wink). Danny Torrance, who never got over the whole ‘my dad died trying to kill me with an axe in a haunted hotel’ thing has taken Scatman Crothers job of looking after the place and hanging around his apartment in his underwear. Here’s the catch, when Danny gets that shining tingle that Scatman got he remembers Scatman’s axe to the stomach and decides the brats aren’t worth it.
TAGLINE: Still crazy after all these years!! Deadly crazy!!!!

3) Red Dawn 2: Red White and Blood
After the rag tag bunch of southern Californian high school students beat the Russian army they have a hard time going back to fucking algebra class, deciding instead to live in the woods. Naturally the Californian school board doesn’t take kindly to having it’s charges living in the wood, drinking deer blood and fornicating with feral homeless hillbilly girls and so the California state militia (led by Gary Busey) is sent to get them back. Hilarity ensues. Violent and pointless hilarity.
TAGLINE: Playing hooky with a vengeance

4) Dr. Strangelove 2 or how I learned to Stop Bitching All the Time and Love the Bunker
This one is a gimme. After Slim Pickins starts World War III President Merkin Muffley (played in Peter Sellers absence by Gary Busey) is forced to implement the final directive. They gather all the main character that are left and head for the bunker, determined to live out the nuclear radiation. The problem: Through poor planning and general disorder during the bunker boarding process there is only one woman in the bunker. Naturally everyone has a theory as to why they should be allowed to procreate. Hilarity ensues. Sexy hilarity.
TAGLINE: Who know nuclear holocaust could hurt soooo good?

5) Casablanca 2: Road to Marrakech
Like Dr. Strangelove this one could be a challenge due to a dead cast but if we’re creative we can work around this pesky minor details. At the end of the first film Rick and Captain Renault have foiled the Germans and were last seen walking out across Casablanca airport. Rick famously says “I think this is a start of a beautiful friendship.” But where did they go? What happens to Ricky’s Place? Who wins the war? Well here come answer to two of those three questions. With the German hot on their trail for the death of Major Strasser the two fast friends flee Casablanca for parts unknown. Well, if you read the movie poster you’d know. But I don’t think the German had the movie poster in this movie. Marrakech!!! Once in the capital they set up a detective agency called R & R (Rick and Renault). R & R’s first case? Why it’s a simple case of MURDER. The murder of Gary Busey!!!
TAGLINE: Solving all of African’s problems one mystery at a time!

6) Reservoir Dogs 2: Reservoir Dudes!
The only person to survive the first film is Mr. Pink, or, if you like, Mr. Pussy. So we pick up the story with him. He has a bag full of diamonds and a loaded weapon and he has just survived he second gunfight with police. So, where does he go? Mexico, of course. By the time he gets there he has sold the diamonds and is living the good life until danger finds him. Danger in the form of Joe Cabot’s business partner (played by Chuck Norris) who tracked Mr. Pink down and is looking for his diamonds. Of course Mr. Pink doesn’t have the money anymore, having just lost it all on an ill-fated land development deal in Northern Iraq. And so to avoid being killed Mr. Pink is forced to team up with Chuck Norris’ immature surfer son. Will he be able to teach him the criminal ropes in time for the big score? Most likely not. (NOTE: I’m aware that at the end of the first Reservoir Dogs you can here Mr. Pink being shot dead by the cops. We’ll explain that all away with a line like. “I had to drop a few pigs before I could get away!” Whatever, that’s the writer’s problem!
TAGLINE: This ain’t no donkey show!

7) The Third Man 2: The Fourth Man
This time the title is the easiest thing. After killing his friend and general horrible guy Harry Lime (Orson Welles), Joseph Cotton’s character (who’s name I can’t remember) returns to America. Years and years pass and until he discovers that Harry Lime (played in Orson Welles absence by Chuck Norris) survived and is now selling cheap California wine. Wine so cheap and diluted that it doesn’t even get you drunk, no matter how much you drink. Small Pox vaccine is one thing but fucking with our wine supply. That just won’t stand.
TAGLINE: He’ll sell no wine before it’s time… TO DIE!!

8)JFK 2: RFK
We all know that John F. Kennedy was killed by a international conspiracy pissed off about how much sweet ass he was getting, but did you know that Robert F. Kennedy was murder in a plot to bring a sense of deliciously evil irony to the world? You didn’t? What are you taking stupid pills again? Well, in RFK a young go getter District Attorney (I don’t know why that’s capitalized) played by Chuck Norris, is assigned the Sirhan B. Sirhan’s murder trial (why would you name your son Sirhan if your last name is Sirhan? Fucking Palestinians!!). He meets opposition at every crossroads as a tale of murder, intrigue and conspiracy at the highest levels of state (Well, the highest levels of A state. Cause, you know, Robert was a senator, not a president. Get it? It’s a joke, asshole! Well, fuck you too!! Shithead!!) The judge will be played by the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles or Wilford Brimley, depending on shooting schedules.
TAGLINE: This time it’s personal

Okay. This Top Ten list only has eight. You got a problem with that? Hey, this website is free, go fuck yourself!