26 REDS & A BOTTLE OF WINE

Let’s start this off by coming to a small agreement. An agreement on what? Well, let’s all agree that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is out to lunch.

Let me preface this (well, I guess it’s a bit late for a preface) by saying that I like Hugo Chavez. First, he’s into poor people and that ain’t easy, cause they’re poor. Anyone can be in the pocket of big business, they got money up the ying yang, but being beholden to poor people in a poor country is tantamount to having a moral spine, or just being a retard. Second, he feisty. You never know what that guy is going to do. He’s the Richard Branson of socialist South American governments. One day he’s giving away home heating oil to the poor, the next he’s sailing around the globe in the World’s smallest hot air balloon. Living in Venezuela must be something like watching The Apprentice all the time. Third, he pisses off George W. Bush. Granted, that’s not hard. Jacque Chirac, manages to do it nearly every day, but there’s something special about how Chavez irritates the Prez. It’s gotten so bad that when Chavez gave free heating oil to poor American communities here in the Northeast the White House bitched that he was trying to piss them off. If this guy sends back an over cooked steak it’s to piss off the President. Given how much the President pisses me off, I’m glad to know someone is under his spur.

But given all that you still have to admit that Chavez is a special brand of socialist revolution crazy that they seem to put into the coffee down south. This week, in between rants about the latest CIA assassination attempt Chavez took some time out to announce that the white horse that adorns the Venezuelan national crest would no longer be galloping right, but now would face left.

C-R-A-Z-Y!

President Chavez calmly explained that the right facing horse was the horse of imperialism. Everyone in the room looked around awkwardly. "The white horse is now liberated, free, vigorous, trotting toward the left, representing the return of Bolivar and his dream,", Chavez muttered from under a tinfoil helmet.

This new change doesn’t help Venezuela from having the dumbest crest ever. What is that a fruit basket at the top? Is that coca leaves on the right? What the fuck?

Chavez also added a star to the flag, a star that represents the “Bolivarian Star”, which I think is in the little dipper. Anyway, it’s gonna cost millions to replace flags, passports and currency and a national sense of dignity, but what the fuck, the horse has got to face the right direction right? I mean God forbid a illustrated horse gallop to the left on a flag.

You might think this sort of overwrought symbolism is just a symptom of a greater psychosis but in Chavez’s defense he had just seen the Chronicles of Narnia.

There are no subtle cocaine references in this post.